all a blur!

Time keeps going by... and my past is blurring out. I can't remember some of my darkest times from my eating disorder. I wonder if this is all a part of God's healing process. I'm sure it is!! In a way... i'm not sure i'm ready to be healed. But i am in a different way. It confuses me!!!
I've come a looong way with my recovery... but i still have a long way to go!!! i think i am at a halfway point here.

I still have an even longer way MENTALLY. My mind is still stuck at the beginning. I'm still fighting hard to overcome it, but the thoughts in my head seem like they'll never stop telling me what i am and what i'm not.

I feel like i'll never gain control over my life. and i still feel like the only way to gain that control is to control my food intake. But i know that's not right!!! We will never be able to control what happens around us... our surroundings have a mind of their own... I guess that's what i have to accept. The fact that i can control only ME and no one else... that is really hard to grasp!!!

Anyways, i went and saw my counselor yesterday. as you all know, tuesday is counselor day! It went pretty good. We talked a lot about how much i still struggle, and we talked about this movie she saw on lifetime about a dancer with an eating disorder. I want to see it!!!! Stuff like that really inspires me! :)


I am really excited about this saturday... i think i am going to Six Flags!!! I haven't done anything like that in a while.... it's going to be so fun! Maybe it will get my mind off Ana for just one day! I'm tired of thinking about her!!!!